Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
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Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
New menu item
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly