[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat