Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
You Might Also Like
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
2022: I can fix it
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.