I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
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My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I need a headline like this
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex