My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
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[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
According to math, I’m broke
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.