I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
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It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first