Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
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College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
what does he know…
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there