Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Me driving through Toronto
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?