Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
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why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
incredible
“and how does that make you feel?”
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Investing in beetcoin
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
*jingles half the way*
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.