I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
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My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us