Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Never be a pizza!
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Meow?
I only treason on days ending in y
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.