‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
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[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper