Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
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Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*