Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”