[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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“How’s your day going?”
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
i can’t wait that long