Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
You Might Also Like
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
checking out some reviews of my local library
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’