Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
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Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.