First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
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Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk