lmfao come on
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If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.