As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
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My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute