We cut our bangs at dawn.
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Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Running your mouth is not cardio.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.