If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
pls suprot
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”