There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
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Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.