Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
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Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
good morning
same vibe as tangled headphones
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.