The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
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I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there