Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
You Might Also Like
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}