A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
You Might Also Like
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.