My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
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If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*