Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
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“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
WHO DID THIS?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!