“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Is this you?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.