my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
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hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel