Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
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me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
when you are just born a rebel
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too