Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
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It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes