*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
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“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?