I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
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My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.