Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
WHY?!
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.