I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
True
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs