Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
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When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face