@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. ๐๐๐
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Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
If youโre wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I pronounce LMAO as โLe Mayoโ
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my rรฉsumรฉ and rips it a little bit]
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Bloggers be like, โ5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For Youโ
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So itโs like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*first time seeing a musical
โWHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!โ
Did you come from a โnever take medicine for any reason whatsoeverโ family or a โyou might get a headache today, take 12 advilโ family
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.