“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
You Might Also Like
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.