He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
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*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother