[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
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[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Lmao
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no