Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
You Might Also Like
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
we’re dead?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
your honor my client chooses dare
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
#StillHurts
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Any time a child tries to guess my age.