INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
And bowling should be called pinball
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
it’s a van. how do they not know this
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Yup….perfect score!
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.