“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
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“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
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Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*