I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…