You Might Also Like
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?