[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
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*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Accurate
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.