Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
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Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish