Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
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8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
fourth time’s the charm
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
The smoothest fall of all time
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Wait a minute…